Tag Archives: relationships

Ask For Nothing

The game of love. The dance between male and female. I have a desire to share my insights with younger women, in the hopes of sparing them the agony of figuring it all out alone. The blessing of experience. It teaches. Looking back over of the years of my life, I can laugh pretty hard about how clueless I was about men, what they wanted and how to keep a solid – respectful partnership intact. But that’s okay,  I figured something pretty important about men and how to have a fighting chance with the one you really love.
While there are multiple ingredients to obtaining fabulous intimacy, I so clearly see how this simple insight could have spared me years of battling and much heart ache about the quality of my marriage. You see, really and truly ladies, men are created to give and provide. Men actually do spend time thinking about how to give pleasure to the woman they have set their sights on. They naturally give. I did not know this. I did not understand men and I did not have older women teaching me this truth, either. But I learned. I figured it out after years of making constant requests. Hints, subtleties, pushes, dare I say it?? – straight up manipulation on every available level. The truth is I wasn’t trying to sabotage my love life, I just thought I had to vocalize my wants and needs. I mean, how would my man know how to please me if I did not make it clear?

Truth was I was a little too Type A about the whole thing, and too wrapped up in achieving soul mate bliss. I needed to chill. I needed to shut-up and let my man do his thing. My constant hints and pleas were only stifling his natural ability to satisfy me. If as women we are going to be all caught up in romance, then we might have to have a measure of faith in our knight in shining armor. If you choose him, if you’re drawn to something deep within him and just have to get next to him, then trust that what you’re attracted to is his potential to rock your world. Just saying, ask for nothing – wait and see what he has thought up for you.Chances are it exceeds anything you could have requested. #PleasingAbba

Relationship 201: The Power of The Tongue and What I Wish I Learned Sooner

I have learned a few things in 12 years of marriage, and although I consider myself humble in all that I still have to master, I think it so valuable what I have paid for in pain. If my platform allows me to help other young women avoid mistakes and gain knowledge prematurely, then my work is complete. Looking back, the power of my words was something I thought too little on and never gave enough weight to, until I suffered the consequences. And where else are we more likely to be wounded the deepest, then in our love lives and personal relationships? I bring it up because, as I discussed a little more in Missing The Father of My Child As A Teen Mom, I felt incomplete as a young, single parent. I knew I had a family, but I was missing the man. Now we all hear how you should be confident and single, and I totally agree it is a place to work towards, but this “hole” in my life consumed a lot of my thoughts. It became a need and I became focused on meeting that need in my life. The problem therein was that a man became my solution, and in that, I was totally deceived.

I like to make sport of love at times because I have come to the belief that it is a matter totally out of our control, who we fall madly in love with. I believe in destiny. I believe we are slaves to that biological demand and we will only mate with those humans who are completely compatible for reproduction. Primitive? Maybe, but the kind of love I feel, it’s for one man alone. It’s powerful. It defies reason and no force can stop it. I can’t explain it, but I can tell you that you, too, may find yourself in the same predicament. My goal here is to point out the maintenance of such love, to make you think about the power of your words towards those whom you say you need.

Love is amazing and having a family is amazing….. sometimes. Other times it is really boring or hard or self-sacrificing. Like any good thing, the harder you work at it the better the outcome. I was convinced that getting married would solve many of my problems. Life has been more enriched sharing my journey with my spouse, but my weaknesses, my character flaws – they didn’t magically disappear because I got married.

I needed to understand that hard work on my own integrity was the necessary key to my happiness.

Because the primitive need is always there, but how do we respectfully and intelligently nurture our love? Ladies, please hear me, the power is in your tongue. To keep quite in the storms, when stronger voices rage. To speak words of healing and power over the one you chose to spend your life with. I promise you, if you place a high standard on the words you allow to come out in your relationships, you will live to see the fruit of your labors! If only I had learned this sooner.

#PleasingAbba

Relationships 101

I had the fairy tale dream. I admit it. I grew up believing in a fairy tale existence as the destination status for my future relationship. I believed in the soul mate, the one true love, and I was looking for that person to show up in my life and complete me. Of course, now that I’ve been married for 11 years, I see so many things differently than I did as a teen mom. I want to share with you something I have become conscious of and I hope you can examine your own ideas and beliefs about relationships. I won’t pretend to be a know-it-all or a perfect example, but I will be real. I believe you can learn from what I’ve been through.

Relationships have always been something of a roller-coaster ride for me, rapidly launching through a range of deep emotion. I am happy to say my love life has slowly become more of a peaceful and steady journey – but it is mostly a battle. A battle to win and a work that requires my strongest resolve. I have to be wiling to give up selfishness. I have to put my relationship before my own desires, and sometimes this is really hard. Sometimes it makes me angry. I have to deal with that anger or let it come out in an explosion of hate heaped upon the people I am supposed to love the most. It is toiling. It is frustrating at times. Of course there is the bliss. The oh so consuming fire of passion and true love. Believing that your relationship is meant to be and this person was created just for you, and you for them. Those times are awesome and real. They are what keeps people staying together long after the storms of life happen. But the euphoria is always mixed with the struggle, it only comes after the work. As a teen I understood so little of the work it takes to keep a family/marriage together. I wanted to be loved so bad. I wanted to have an intimate relationship and experience. It was this out of control hunger.

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I know for me this was elevated because of my broken family and lack of close relationships at home. My parents were so busy with their careers and I felt ready to move out as soon as I turned eightteen. It was a lot. I was going to college and I was focused on graduating before marriage. I was just doing the best I could, but I was always looking over my shoulder or around the room. I was waiting for that one guy to show up and whisk me away. That one man who would love me and my son. I had a deep and desperate need in my life. I wasn’t just looking for myself, I had a child to consider.

Relationships consumed my late teens and early twenties. Dating was almost like a career. Relationships dominated gossip among my circles. Who’s with who?! Who’s going? Who’s that? It really can be a great time in life if you keep things in perspective. The feelings of wanting to find a partner and co-parent are normal. Every young person goes through this time. Yet as a teen mom it is different. You are vulnerable if you have a deep need to be loved. You are vulnerable because you have your heart wrapped up in your child. You are not alone in these things, you are very much the same as all mothers. You only lack the experience. You only lack the time and hard work and self-denial required to maintain a healthy, long-term relationship. Just remember that when you admire a marriage or partnership from afar, you’re not seeing the whole picture. Real love requires a real obligation. Real love hurts because it makes us grow out of our own ideas and comfort zones. You will not always agree with your mate. You will disagree and get offended and you will have anger. You will then have to work it all out within your relationship and at times this will be the most challenging part of your waking life. You will have to juggle all these emotions with parenting and money management and your personal work or career, because we all have a purpose and destiny. (Did I mention you will be the main cheerleader for your partner’s life work, too?) It is a role of a lifetime – wife. It will bless you and bring much joy, but it will be more work than fun.

I’m not afraid to tell you the truth. I wish many of the older women in my life could have been a little more real with me instead of putting up a front. I do the same so I get it. We all want to look good in front of others, we want to feel like we have it all together. Each person is a one of a kind original and each marriage/family is the same – no two are alike. Your life may be so different from mine, but remember what I have said about the hard work. Expect relationships to be harder than you anticipated and invest wisely. Know that you will have to juggle many roles and who you chose to love is a big deal. It may be the most controversial decision of your life!

You may ask, do I still believe in fairy tale romance and storybook endings? Yes, I do. I actually have a castle picked out in France and I regularly daydream about living there with my husband. I am a bold dreamer, I know. I haven’t given up on happily ever after. I think the romance and the dreaming are the greatest payoff for the endurance and pain we go through. Relationships! What else can I say? #PleasingAbba #TeenMom

My fairy tale? To be continued…….